I help couples hear each other more clearly
Hello, I’m Wesley
Couples therapy in Arlington, VA (see office)
Virtual couples therapy for North Carolinians
Current availability:
12pm Mondays and Wednesdays
3pm Tuesdays
$275/80 min session
The more important part of my job is to truly listen to what you are telling me. Any errors I make are usually a result of not listening deeply enough.
The next most important part of my job is to help you each see what you might be missing. I try to do this with as much compassion as possible, and this is usually the most challenging part of the work.
I will offer ideas, but it is always 100% up to you what you want to work on in yourself.
My clinical stance:
When someone doesn’t feel secure with their partner or themselves, they are way more reactive and fights start often over small things. The fights are usually about much deeper needs and fears.
Trust ruptures have no timeline, and will continue to come up until repaired
Neurodiversity can play a big role in couples misunderstanding each other, feeling chronically unimportant, and/or not good enough.
I work with all couples, all sexualities, and all genders.
Certified Emotionally-Focused Couples Therapist & Supervisor | Certified Deliberate Practice Therapist | ATSIP Sex Therapy Trained | Discernment Therapy Trained
How I work
Structured Couples Therapy
First, we get clear on your goals. This can take a little time because the conflict cycle is confusing, and often people don’t really see yet how they’re inadvertently contributing to the negative cycle. I see you for an 80 min intake, and a 50 min individual session each. Then, we continue with 80 min couples sessions.
I will email you both a summary of what you talked about from every session (apart from the individual), in addition to some food for thought to consider until the next session.
Next, we dive deeper into your automatic coping strategies and primary feelings, and understand their function and where they come from (for example, every time your partner brings up a piece of feedback you feel angry and misunderstood, and right now you cope by leaving the room. Where might you have seen this coping tool? Where was it not only effective but essential in the past? Is it currently helping you reach your goals?)
Last, if you choose, we actively work on changing those patterns, and replacing them with something that is more likely to get your needs met.
Discernment Therapy
Discernment Counseling is a specific therapy model, like Kleenex is a specific brand of tissue. I am trained in DC but don’t use it in it’s pure form, because it’s pure form separates the couple and has mini individual sessions with each person the whole time. I simply don’t think that helps. How can you make a decision if you’re not hearing anything from your partner?
My version of DC is that I will see a couple when one or both partners is seriously not sure they want to stay together, for a maximum of 5 sessions.
We will have one individual session each, but then proceed with couples sessions. Our goal will be to see what is workable, what helps if clarified, and if anything evokes more hope or motivation to proceed with regular couples therapy.
It is important to note that Discernment Therapy is not couples therapy. It’s sole purpose is to help you get a clearer decision of what you want to try for the next 6-12 months of your life.
Services offered:
Structured Couples Therapy - $275/80 minutes
Discernment Counseling - $275/80 minutes
I do not take insurance, but do offer lower fees when possible
Services not offered:
Pre-Marital Counseling - I recommend seeing a Gottman therapist for pre-marital work
Individual Counseling
Separation Counseling - I recommend seeing a Parent Coach for this process, because the children’s wellbeing becomes the highest and most important priority
Here is a list of exactly what to expect for your first session, including what my office looks like, where you’ll sit, where you can park, what you should bring with you, etc.
If there is a section you read the most seriously on this page, have it be this one.
I’ve been counseling for 11 years and have a pretty good sense of what works and what doesn't. Therapy is a specific product, and if clients don’t understand what that product is, they can waste a lot of their time and money. Any therapy, even couples therapy, can only help you work on yourself.
It’s totally normal to come into couples therapy hoping your partner changes, and needing your partner to change. Most of my clients come in thinking their partner is a little more to blame for everything than they are. But, some people are coming in with the stance of, “sure I’m not perfect, but my partner is WAY worse than I am.” This usually does not bear any fruit in couples therapy.
If you believe your partner is at fault for more than 60% of your issues, and you are hoping couples therapy is essentially an intervention for them (to stop yelling, stop drinking, start working, etc.) please do not come see me. I am not an interventionist. I do not believe that me telling a client to “stop it” or “start it” is going to be effective.
You will feel extremely frustrated with me, and keep wondering why I am not more direct, more directive, more “tell it how it is” with your partner. I will be frustrated with you, because what you’re wanting is not couples therapy, but an intervention.
If this is the kind of help you are looking for, you may prefer a relationship coach who uses RLT from Terry Real, and his website has a search function to find these therapists.
If you’re interested in doing collaborative work, understanding each other better, and getting help seeing the things that have been hard to see, then please reach out below!